Update: My Save Year Ch. 5

Summary:  Depressed and rejected by his family, Arthur longs for a new beginning during his first year of University. There he meets Alfred, an optimistic bright-eyed oaf with a sunny smile. An unlikely romance develops between them, one that was already doomed from the beginning. (USUK, multichapter)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12554533/1/My-Save-Year

For once, it was peacefully quiet in the cafeteria. It was the second day of reading week, so most students had already left campus. I needed a change of space, and since there were less people around, I had no problem eating my meal here. I had this awkward aversion to eating in front of people for no other silly reason than I felt uncomposed while doing so. Usually, if I wasn’t making my own meals, I’d take the meals from here and eat them in my room. Now, I didn’t have to worry much about that.

I wasn’t being overwhelmed by floods of people loud enough to make my ears ring, my jaw tight, or for the hairs on the back of my neck to prick. It was just me, my notes, the comfortable dim lighting, and the pitch-black darkness leaking outside from the windows. I had never felt so settled, calm, and relaxed. Late October was my favourite time of the year. I loved how it got dark out early. I loved the crisp air, as well as the smell of dead leaves that everyone else hated. I loved the warm drinks, scarves, trench coats, and the smell of pumpkins.

I loved…

No. I was in love with a certain idiot, and it was turning me into a complete sap. 

Smiling at this, I took a sip from the large tea I had impulsively bought. I was a lot happier these days because of Alfred. We may not have spoken the words out loud, but we both saw each other as significant others. It’s almost been two weeks. To me, it felt more comparable to two days given how smooth everything has gone, like the first breath of someone who just had conquered climbing the top of a mountain.

Sure, he was still as strange as ever, what with his unexpected bouts of shyness, unfamiliar boundaries of privacy that I had still had trouble navigating, and frequent outbursts, but his heart was big enough to make up for all of that. He had a way of building me up, of making me feel so special and precious to him that I couldn’t help but wonder why he’s been struggling so hard to feel the same way about himself.

He thinks that I don’t notice, but I do. Alfred still has his secrets, and while I respect that, I know him well enough to know that he’s very insecure about something. All I can do now is be patient. Or, in his own words, nag him by constantly reminding him that I was there to talk if he needed me. It made me feel more like a parent, and the one-year age difference between us only provoked him into calling me an old man. Ass.

He had finally told me the name of the dorm that he lived in, but prying more information from him was an ongoing battle I was still fighting. He got embarrassed whenever I suggested going to the York dorm (his dorm), as that was one of the more older buildings on campus. I was lucky with my scholarship, as it had granted me a more decent living space. Even stranger was how secretive and careful he was when spending time with me.

We mostly met in the library, or sometimes at the end of class, but never in my apartment. I had tried coaxing him to come many times, but he claimed that he wasn’t ready to meet any of my friends yet. I was already used to avoiding their study group in the library, but admittedly, I would have liked to bring Alfred home with me. That first night we had spent together seemed like an unreachable dream now.

I hadn’t realized that I had been staring blankly at my laptop screen until a sudden jolt and surprised yelp shook me out of my trance. Scratch that, I yelped when Alfred tripped forward with a tray of sandwiches in his hand, stubbed his toe, and then grabbed onto my shoulders to steady himself.

“AH! FRICK!” Alfred deadpanned, as one of the PB & J sandwiches slid onto the floor. Sighing, he shuffled into the booth beside me, ignoring the scowl on my face as I rubbed my sore shoulders. The yank had a grip on him like you wouldn’t believe. I pretended not to see him kick the fallen sandwich under another booth, nor did I hear him whistle nonchalantly.

“How’d you know where to find me?” I sighed.

Alfred messily slammed down his tray. I raised my eyebrows at the four sandwiches remaining. “Well, duh! You’re a depressing douche that always flocks to the quietest, darkest places. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out,” he answered, and then huffed when I gave him another dead look.

He then gestured around the empty cafeteria. “It’s 9PM, no one’s here, and I thought, wow, wouldn’t this be the perfect place for Art to claim as his writing lair? You’ve always told me that you write better when it’s either dark out or raining. I repeat, depressing douche,” he smirked.

“Okay, Mr. rocket scientist,” I replied with a teasing smile. “If I’m so easy to figure out, how come your dumbass can’t figure out how to use a mobile? And really? Depressing douche? That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

Alfred’s cheeks puffed up. He reminded me of a deranged chipmunk, cerulean eyes wild under the fluorescent lighting. “I’m traditional, okay?! I don’t like technology! And hey! That’s just how we communicate, ain’t it? By insulting each other, and then making up with plenty of smooches,” he said, and obnoxiously waggled his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes and leaned to the side as Alfred attempted to drape an arm over me. In response, he crossed his arms and put on a stubborn pout. I refused to look at it, knowing that I would have given in too easily if I did.

“Oh that’s right. I’ll just have to get used to you sending me messages via eagle.” To be fair, I never really needed to get into contact with Alfred. He had an uncanny habit for finding me, wherever I was.

“I wasn’t joking! I really do have a pet eagle back home. His name is Ernie, but that’s besides the point. Technology is too distracting, it takes up too much of your time. Maybe if kids learned to look up and enjoy the world a little more, they’d have more to write and think about,” Alfred paused to rap his head with his knuckle.

“I see the whole world from the rooftop, and lemme tell ya, I’ve never been so inspired there. I really feel like this story is coming along. It’s been a while since I’ve had so much motivation. Heck, I might even complete it by the end of this year. You make me really happy, Art. I think that has a lot to do with it.”

My cheeks flushed. “Since I know there’s no point arguing with you about getting a mobile, I’ll just drop it. Write out your stories like a traditional caveman for all I care,” I mused. “Still, I’m really happy to hear that your story is coming along well, but I wouldn’t attribute it all to me. You’ve said that you’ve been working on it for years. And…you make me really happy too.”

I looked down at the table and bit my lip. The grin still crept onto my face, regardless.

“Yeah, but – GLOMP! – it was mostly just planning. I – GLOMP! – haven’t had much inspiration to take the jot-notes and actually make something out of it. I’m – GLOMP! – still trying to understand where I want to go with the story, but you’ve given me that extra kick in the ass that I really needed. I haven’t had a best friend, um, partner to keep me going like this. Ah, what’s that glare for? What did I do to piss you off now?”

I simply ignored Alfred as he continued to shovel down the sandwiches as if his throat was a conveyer belt. He knew that it irritated me when he talked with his mouth open. It was literally impossible to have a conversation with him when he got like this.

Resigned, I attempted to resume working on my outline. The next writing assignment for my literature class was due in just under nine days, and I still wasn’t sure on what I wanted to write about. Every time I went to the records section to find some kind of muse for the historical piece I intended to create, Alfred conveniently showed up and distracted me, both with his loudness and goofiness. It was immensely difficult not to be charmed or persuaded into dropping everything I was doing and kissing him, especially with those puppy-dog eyes he had unfairly mastered on using on me.

My will didn’t last long, and I gave up on trying to focus. He was chewing too loudly; it was absolutely intolerable. Instead, I rested my back against the plush lining of the booth and discreetly leaned to the side so that our arms were touching.

It was time to start questioning him again. Maybe if he was distracted with eating, he would give me full answers, rather than vague ones. I looked up sharply and tilted my chin, feeling like a mother about to lecture their child. Honestly, what was it with these maternal instincts? First Matthew, and now Alfred?

Alfred tensed, unnerved as he knew what I was about to do. He still continued to eat his sandwiches, only giving me nervous side glances here and there. Snap. Snap. Snap. My mouth worked as if it was a catapult, the rubber band my tongue, and the questions, my ammo. I was determined to get something more substantial out of him tonight.

“Care to tell me how your classes are going? Do you intend to catch up on a lot of work this break? Meet anyone new? Get any grades back? Stop slouching, hunches are unattractive. How about sleep? Are you balancing everything well? What about the membership at the gym you intended on getting? Do you need me to look over your work? We should do something this break. Maybe you can finally meet my friends…”

Friends. How strange it felt to say that, but it was true.

“Art! Relax!” Alfred panicked. He set down the sandwich he was working on and spared me a sheepish glance. “School is fine, the program I’m in is more laissez-faire than yours. We work at our own pace so I’m not too stressed. Um, no. I have you, I don’t really need to meet anyone el–”

“Alfred, you need to have a life outside of me. It’s not healthy to have only one friend, significant other or not. Honestly, I can’t believe that it’s me of all people telling you that. There’s no need to be afraid of people not liking you. You’ve got charm. You’ve got spunk. More than anything, you’re kind, sweet, and extremely likeable. I like you, love you, don’t I? No one cares if you’re a bit nervous speaking to new people, chances are that they are too.”

I don’t know how many times I’ve repeated that same mantra to him.

“Yeah, but…” Alfred trailed off. “I don’t really need anyone else. I told you, just being around people is enough. I only really need you.”

“That’s not the answer I wanted to hear.”

“Well, it’s the only answer you’re getting,” Alfred stubbornly retorted. “You can’t change who I am. And you think I’m unhealthy? When was the last time you ate? This morning, right?”

I pursed my lips. “I was going to eat once I finished this, but you came and distracted me,” I said in an accusatory tone. “Stop changing the subject. And I’ll have you know that I had lunch today. Granted, Francis made it for me without my asking, and now I have the misfortune of returning the favour, but that’s not what we’re talking about right now, are we?”

Alfred stonily returned my glare. “I don’t want all of our conversations to always be about me. You need to eat something. If you keep rewarding yourself with food after studying, you’re going to starve.”

“Pardon?” I replied, confused.

“Ya know. If my handsomeness keeps distracting you from your work, then you’ll never get to eat.”

“Oh, eff off!” I grumbled. Alfred merely laughed. True to his oblivious self, he didn’t realize how upset I was getting.

Just like that, Alfred was back to being his usual sunny self. The brief eclipse, or rather unveiling, where I got to see where his true thoughts lay were masked once more. He always did this and was so calculated and meticulous in blocking me out. Usually, I would stop here. Today, I didn’t.

Perhaps it was just because I was angry, or tired, or worried, or a combination of all three, but I had finally been pushed over the edge. “Stop.” I whispered bluntly.

“Huh?”

“I said stop!” I exploded, and slammed a hand against the table. Several papers went flying out of place from the wind the abrupt gesture caused. “Stop it! All of it!”

Stunned, Alfred turned to look at me. “Arthur, what’s wrong? What did I do? Are you…angry with me?”

“Don’t you dare give me that incredulous look, Alfred. You know exactly what’s making me angry! You’ve helped me so much over the past weeks, but whenever I try to reciprocate, you distance yourself and it drives me crazy! You need to think about yourself too. I want to know more about you. Don’t… don’t you see that I care about you? I hardly know what’s going on in your head and it worries me.

"I want you to make friends. I want you to go beyond your comfort zone. I can’t be your only comfort zone. I just can’t. I’m messed up too, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t help each other. I want to be there for you, but I can’t if you don’t bloody well talk to me! This relationship is mutual. I may not be your therapist, but I damn well want to hear more than ‘good, fine,’ or okay’ when I ask you how your day’s gone. You think I don’t notice how anxious you are? Please, just speak to me. I want to spend time with my boyfriend, not some automated robot that has pre-selected safe answers!”

Immediately, I buried my face into my hands. What I had just done was so impulsive. I knew that I had to be patient with Alfred, and yet, I had still gone over the edge. I had never cared about someone this much before, and didn’t know how to cope with it.

Alfred stared at me in complete shock. I had half the mind to expect him to suddenly burst out into tears. His eyes were as wide as beach balls. The silence was suffocating. My eyes pleaded with him, to bring him back from this stunned state. Who knew if he was having a panic attack? Who knew what damage I had just caused to his self-esteem?

“Sorry!” I said in a cracked voice. “Oh, Alfred love, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Alfred smiled, surprising me. “I’m actually really flattered.”

“H-have you lost your mind?” I stammered, completely uncomprehending as to what was going on.

Alfred bashfully rubbed the back of his neck. “Not at all. I’ve never been so sure of myself as I am with you. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone care about me this much before…”

My heart skipped a beat. He understood me so well.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Arthur. I know you may not be as eloquent in showing how you feel as you do with your writing, but I get you, probably better than you do yourself if I’m to be perfectly honest. I know…I may be frustrating at times, but I’m working on it. I want all of these things for myself too,” he whispered and leaned forward to tuck my bangs behind my ear.

“You can’t even imagine how much it means to me that you feel this way. I just…need time.” The emotion that flickered in Alfred’s eyes was near indescribable. I had never seen so much conflicting emotions; longing; sadness; desire; fear. He swallowed nervously, causing his Adam’s apple to bob up and down as he continued.

“I want to be honest with you, and I will be, but I’m not sure that you’ll like it.”

“We won’t know that until you try,” I chided, softly.

Alfred heaved heavily, and blinked tears from his eyes. “Please, can we talk about something else? I want to enjoy what little time I do get to spend with you. I’m nervous most of the time anyways. Wouldn’t want that to carry over here.”

“I don’t want to be your distraction, Alfred.”

“That’s not it at all. You’re not a distraction, far from it. You’re the reason for the smile on my face. You make it easier for me to keep going. I don’t just exist with you, I feel… alive. I may not be ready to tell you everything now, but I will, and I hope you can respect that.”

I wasn’t convinced about the distraction part. Still, I knew he genuinely loved me, and was willing to wait.

“All right, Alfred. Take as much time as you need until you’re ready to tell me everything.”

“I’m telling you, you’re not going to like it. You’ll probably want to leave me.”

“Alfred?”

“Yes, Arthur?”

“Stop.”

Alfred smiled. “Okay, just this once I’ll listen to you.”

“While we’re at it, come here.”

Alfred complied and leaned forward. He rested his head against my collarbone as I brought him into a hug. I smoothed his back with my hand, rubbing circles into it. “I love you, you know that?” I murmured.

“I love you too, you grump.”

I ruffled Alfred’s hair, the softness of the blond down never failing to surprise me. “That’s enough sass out of you.”

“Mhhhmm.” Alfred closed his eyes and sighed in content. “I wish we could stay like this forever, not having to worry about life or any of that other stressful crap.”

“Don’t we all,” I whispered, and swallowed a lump in my throat.

Alfred chuckled, raspy in its sound. “Only with you do I ever have such meaningful conversations. You’re deep, Art. I’ve always liked that about you.”

“On the contrary, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re beautiful on the inside and out Alfred. Don’t you dare think otherwise.”

“I never said that I didn’t, ya know. It’s not my looks that I have anxiety over. Hey, speaking of insides, let’s get you something to eat.”

“Convenient subject change is convenient,” I rolled my eyes and released Alfred.

He sat up and offered me his last remaining sandwich. “Only the best for you, your majesty.”

Scoffing, I accepted the sandwich and began taking small bites from it. I could feel Alfred’s beady eyes staring at me the entire time. I snapped, unable to bear the awkwardness anymore. I saw right through him, or, at least I thought I had. Again, the idiot had a talent for surprising me.

“If you were still hungry, why did you even bother to offer me the sandwich?!” I spluttered.

“That’s not what I was hungry for,” Alfred purred. The satisfied and predatory grin on his face didn’t fool me this time.

“Alfred, I’m not kissing you right now. It’s not the time or the place, and you were incredibly vulnerable just two minutes ago.”

“Stop talking, and start smooching.”

Alfred leaned forward. I focused on the glare of his spectacles, rather than the cerulean eyes that were without a doubt pleading with me.

“Fine, just a peck.”

“HEY!” Alfred whined.

I blocked him out and resumed eating the sandwich. Huffing and puffing dramatically, Alfred possessively wrapped an arm around me, mumbling something about how I babied him all the time. He wasn’t wrong.

“Gimme a bite.”

“If I turn my head, you’re going to ambush me with a kiss.”

“Ugh!”

I smirked. I know this might sound crazy, but I honestly wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with this…this dork. Thoughts of us wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, drinking far too much eggnog for our own good, and competing to get each other the best present came to mind. I imagined snuggling up to him, warmed by the hearth of the fire, sleepy and content.

My chewing slowed as I realized that I would likely never get to introduce him to my family. Only Alistair would be accepting enough. Scratch that, having Alistair and Alfred in my life was more than enough.

Speak of the devil; my phone buzzed with a new text from Alistair. I would have to call him tonight, and catch up with him, but right now I couldn’t be bothered. I could feel Alfred nosily leaning over the screen.

“Is that your roommate?”

“No, it’s my older brother.”

“Oh. So, how’s life?”

“The second-hand embarrassment I’m getting from you is unbelievable.”

“I’m just asking! You’ve been working real hard on that one-shot. Have you found inspiration for it yet?”

“No, and I won’t be able to if you keep distracting me.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll manage.”

“Alfred, stop fidgeting. You’re shaking the table.”

“I can’t! You’re so just so darn cute. I really wanna kiss you right now. It’s just my luck that you’re playing hard to get.”

“You’re the one who never wants to come back to my apartment,” I retorted, quite unfairly, but still. Don’t worry, though. Alfred sure as hell got his revenge for that comment.

I gave a small gasp when Alfred gently grabbed my chin and tilted it so that I was looking at him. I nearly choked on my food, but somehow managed to swallow it down. In retaliation, I stuffed the remains of it into Alfred’s wide-open mouth, erasing the shit-eating grin he had plastered on his face.

“Why thank ya! Mmmph!”

Alfred only laughed harder at my disgusted expression.

“Honestly,” I growled under my breath and reached for a napkin. “You are such a child. Hasn’t anyone told you how to eat without making a mess?”

“Conspiracy: I eat like this on purpose to get you and your impish lips to come closer.”

“Go fuck yourself x 2,” I replied without missing a beat. My heart, on the other hand, was a completely different story.

Alfred patiently allowed me to dab at his mouth and chin. I struggled as he kept breaking out into laughter, smirking and guffawing like a total buffoon. When the back of my hand rubbed against the rough stubble peppered against his jawline, tingles shot up my spine. How was it exactly that I ended up with a man as beautiful as this one?

“Ah, come on. You’re being so mean,” Alfred protested, albeit weakly. He was well adept in Arthur-speak to know how fondly my fuck-you’s always were with him. Can’t believe I just articulated a sentence like that, but let’s just roll with it.

“You’re right, let me make it all better.” I didn’t outright kiss him, but the act was still meaningful enough. I placed my forehead against his and sighed. “I want you to promise me something.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you ever get scared and leave me. Believe it or not, I want you. I always have. You don’t annoy me. You don’t bother me, and you never will. I love how we get to tease each other and argue back and forth like a bitter elderly couple who’s been married for years. You complete me, Alfred. I feel whole with you.”

“…Why make me promise somethin’ like that?”

“Just do it.”

Alfred’s arm tightened around me. “I…I promise.”

I didn’t have time to question him, as the sound of footsteps both made us pause. I immediately pulled away from Alfred. I could hear Antonio’s shouting, as well as Gilbert’s obnoxious cackles. Thankfully, the Frog didn’t seem to be with them. It’s not that I was ashamed to be with Alfred, far from it. I just didn’t like to openly display affection in front of others.

Still, I looked at Alfred, and hope surged in my chest. Finally. Finally, I would get to introduce Alfred to my friends. “Those are my friends, you know. Do you want to meet them?” It was hard to contain the slight eagerness in my voice.

“No! I’m sorry!”

Alfred abruptly stood up and swung his backpack over his shoulder. “I can’t right now. I’ll um, I’ll go hide somewhere. If not, I’ll meet up with you tomorrow. I…I…”

Even though I was disappointed, I understood where Alfred was coming from. “I understand, love. It’s fine.”

Alfred gave me a guilty look. “It’s not that I don’t want–”

“You don’t have to explain yourself. Now, go on,” I waved my hand at him, “act like a ghost and disappear. I’ll come up with a cover story as to why I was speaking to imaginary voices. They already think that I’m schizophrenic anyways.”

That was a lie. Admittedly, I was still keeping my own secrets from Alfred. He didn’t know that I could see ghosts. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him. I trusted him. However, I also knew how afraid he was of them and didn’t want to scare him.

“Haha. Very funny,” Alfred bent over to peck my forehead. “You should make your friends disappear instead, so I can come back.”

I chose not to say anything. He was being irrational, but to him, something like this was a much bigger deal than it was to me. Like he said, I just had to be patient, no matter how difficult and tiresome it could get. I was determined not to snap at him again.

I mean, I was no social butterfly myself, but my social anxiety wasn’t nearly as bad as his was. Looking back on it all, I had changed so much in just under two months. My old self would have laughed and accused me of coming from a utopic nonsense land.

I trusted people now, had friends, was less pessimistic, and had a boyfriend of all things. I furrowed my brows and inhaled deeply, patiently. Yes, I could wait. I could be patient. There was no rush with things. My life was only just getting better. I would still have my bad days, and now that I had another person to care for, I would also have to learn to deal with theirs. With Alfred, there was more to gain than there was for me to lose, even with his strange habits and superstitions.

“Dude, now’s not the time to stare at me and get all philosophical. Seriously, WHAT is up with that smile? It’s creepy!”

I absently fixed my gaze on how the light bounced off his hair. I’ve never loved someone more.

“KESESESESE!” Gilbert’s voice echoed.

Alfred nervously looked in both directions and jumped on the ball of his heels. “Fuck it, man! I don’t have time for this! I’m out of here!”

“Take care, I don’t know how or why I came to love you, but I still do,” I smirked at Alfred’s fleeing figure. He was heading towards the hallway that connected to the library. My best bet was that he was looking for a pillar to hide behind.

“Arthur, mi puta!” Antonio called out in greeting. “What are you doing here, all alone?”

Gilbert immediately erupted into another bout of cackles. Matthew lingered behind the two boisterous friends, looking like he seriously regretted coming here.

“I could ask you guys the same thing,” I replied evenly. “I thought I’d find a quiet place to study, but it looks like my plan’s just been foiled.”

“Gil, you owe me five bucks,” Antonio smiled. “I told you we would find the ‘angry caterpillar’ studying all by himself.”

Gilbert laughed even harder. I still don’t know why. This always happens when Antonio starts speaking Spanish to me for whatever reason. I wasn’t even fazed by the fact that they had made a bet on me. They made bets on literally everything, always trying to salvage enough money for alcohol and nights out. Big surprise.

Reluctantly, Gilbert handed Antonio his money. “We got bored. Not many people stayed back for the break. Fran just left by the way. What a real class act that was by not saying goodbye to him. Totally unawesome,” Gilbert scolded.

“I sent him a text,” I said, and then shrugged.

“Arthur,” Matthew spoke up. “You know that’s not right.”

“You’re acting like it’s possible that we’ll ever get along with each other.”

“You really hurt his feelings,” Matthew continued.

“I did? Amphibians can have feelings?”

Silence.

“Fine, I’ll call him and apologize, what else do you want me to do?”

“Maybe not be an asshat all the time?” Gilbert proposed.

“That’s rich, coming from a narcissist like you.”

“And so, the assholery continues,” Gilbert’s crimson eyes hardened. “Come on, guys. We don’t need Arthur anyways.”

“For?” I asked.

“I told them that I was going to the library to feed the ghost, and they wanted to come,” Matthew explained. Well, that explained why he had a tray full of sandwiches in his hand. The cafeteria was just beginning to close, which was when he usually came to pick up the scraps.

“Thanks for lying to me by the way,” Matthew said, sniffing in offense. Even when angered, he was still mild. “They told me all about your ability to see ghosts, but don’t think I wasn’t suspicious before. You wanted to figure out things for yourself, didn’t you?”

Gilbert and Antonio shifted uncomfortably under the heated scope of my death glare. I had specifically told them not to tell Matthew, as it would hinder my investigation. The less people who knew about this, the better.

“Fine, you caught me. I can see ghosts. Can we talk about this another time, though? I really need to get this outline done,” I sighed, and rubbed at my temples.

“Fine,” Matthew pursed his lips. “But, I want you to tell me anything new that you find out about this.”

“Agreed,” I nodded my head. “Not that there’s much to tell. I’ve been so busy lately. Oh, and Antonio, Gilbert?”

“S-si?”

“J-ja?”

“Tell Francis about my investigation, and I’ll make your room haunted again,” I threatened. “I would prefer doing this on my own, but I absolutely do not want Francis to get involved in this. He butts into my life far enough as it is.”

Antonio and Gilbert paled and weakly agreed. Of course, I didn’t have the power to enact my threat, but they believed it to be true, and that’s all that mattered.

“Matthew, I’m trusting you to make sure that they hold that promise,” I warned, waggling an index finger at the Canadian.

“As long as you keep yours, I’ll keep mine.”

“Fair enough.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

“Oi, don’t forget about me,” Lovino emerged from the shadows near the coffee station, his face pale with several haggard bags under his eyes. Ah, that’s why he was so quiet. It looked like he had just woken up from a nap. And here I thought my sleeping schedule was out of whack. University has a habit of doing that you.

“I’ll make sure those jackasses don’t say a thing. I still owe you for covering my ass on that midterm.”

“You mean me whispering to you all the answers?” I chuckled.

“It’s not my fault that dumb fuck decided to spring a pop quiz on us. It wasn’t on the syllabus!”

I blinked twice. “Actually, it was, but let’s not argue over that, again.”

“Che, fine.”

“LOVI~!” Antonio sprang forward to bring Lovino into a hug. Lovino, already anticipating this, skirted to the side and smirked as Antonio had to stop himself from banging his forehead against the counter.

“Nope! Zip! Zilch! Not a peep from your dumbass mouth until I at least have two cups of coffee in me.”

“Guys,” Matthew nearly whined. “Let’s go. The library closes soon.”

“You heard the boy!” Gilbert bellowed. “Onwards, my fellow ghost hunters.”

“Why don’t you come with us, Lovi?”

“I was already going to. I need a laugh after how much hell that last paper put me through. Seeing you piss your pants should do just fine.”

“Why are you so rude?!” Antonio spluttered.

“Because of your reactions, they’re priceless.”

Another five minutes passed before they finally left the cafeteria, all grumbling and groaning. Miserable and hungry students or zombies, they were pretty much the same thing.

I waited. When I heard the clumsy shuffle of feet, I raised my voice and called out. “You can come out now, Alfred. They’re gone.”

Not a minute later, Alfred sauntered back into the cafeteria. “Geez those guys sure like to talk,” he complained. “I was getting sore from standing in the same place for so long.”

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” I proposed. “I need to clear my mind, and it looks like you need a good stretch.”

“Sure, that sounds great, actually. Very romantic. I’ll even let you borrow my coat.”

“I don’t need your stupid–”

Before I knew it, Alfred had already put his coat on me and was holding my hand. No matter how much I scolded and protested, he kept pulling me forward. The broad shoulders and muscles under the tight black turtle neck he wore rippled with each movement. He was still rather slim, but it was all muscle.

“It’s like you want hypothermia,” I deadpanned.

“More like I don’t want you to get it.”

“I have a coat, I didn’t need another one.”

“Hush up, your majesty. Your magic carriage of a walk underneath the stars awaits you.”

“I will literally murder you.”

Alfred whistled. “Too late…”

“Huh?”

“Ya know, I had already died and woke up in heaven the moment I met you…”

Alfred shrugged at my confused expression, and looked away. Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop staring at him. Something about him was off, I just didn’t know what it was. He wasn’t meeting my eyes, and I couldn’t help but wonder: what other secrets could he possibly be keeping from me? Just thinking about this was enough to make my stomach flop.

…

One week later…

….

“Oh, for Gott’s sakes, could you guys just talk to each other?” Gilbert groaned. He then leaned back into his chair and spread his arms behind his head, tucking his pale hands over his elbows. Our literature lecture didn’t start for another five minutes, so there was still plenty of time to argue.

“Fran, you’ve been back for three days, and you two still haven’t uttered one word to each other. As I’m friends with both of you, it’s my duty to put a stop to this.”

“Debatable,” I muttered under my breath and crossed my arms.

“Arthur, can you stop being a cocksucker for two seconds and just own up to what you did?” Gilbert leered.

“ME?!” I spluttered. “Why should I do anything?! It’s not my fault that his ego is large enough to make him lament about me not saying goodbye to his stubbly mug.”

“Ay! That was so uncalled for!” Antonio chided. Both him and Gilbert were strategically situated between Francis and I, and by strategically, I mean practically, as we would have already been at each other’s throats without them acting as human barriers.

Lovino, who would always side with me in disputes like this, snickered to himself. Unbeknownst to me, he was snapchatting this entire fiasco.

“You vulgar, bitter little hedgehog!” Francis shrieked. “I hope you die alone and lose that mysterious friend of yours!”

I rolled up my sleeves and leaned over my seat. “Now listen here, you mud-sucking bottom feeder, I’ll have you know that–”

“Friend, what friend?” Antonio, Gilbert, and Lovino asked at the same time.

Slyly, Francis smirked and stuck up his chin. I gagged as the smell of his rose perfume and body wash came my way. Noticing this, Francis flipped his hair again to make his curls bounce even more.

“Oh, you didn’t know? Arthur has a secret friend.”

“W-what are you talking about?!” I stammered.

“I mean, has anyone else noticed how happy he is?” Francis continued. “I caught him smiling into his bowl of lucky charms yesterday morning. That never happens, miserable of a meal that it is for an equally miserable person. There’s also the fact that he keeps disappearing in the library or from our dorm for large periods of times. It makes me suspicious…”

“You’re just overthinking things,” I snapped.

“Is it really so hard to believe that you’re being secretive? You smell like a ghost, Arthur. You’ve been talking to spirits behind my back, haven’t you? What goes to say that you’re not hiding someone or something else from us?”

I glared at Antonio and Gilbert, who silently acknowledged our promise and backed down. This didn’t seem to faze Francis. He was too absorbed in his melodramatic fantasy of accusing and making me look bad.

“So what if I have been? I don’t need to answer to you,” I snorted.

“Tsk! Tsk! That only makes me more suspicious.”

Everything became calm, too calm – like the calm before a storm. My ears rang.

“Tell me, Francis, how sore are you?”

“Pardon?”

“Well, you seem to have no problem riding off my notes, and given how sorry your writing is, I wouldn’t be too surprised if you attempted to ride your way into having an A+ in this class…if you know what I mean.”

Lovino gasped. “Shit, that’s savage, even to my standards. I think I just found my new role model.”

Antonio and Gilbert clasped hands over each other’s mouths, wanting to stand in solidarity with Francis, but unfortunately for the Frog, they were unable to and burst out laughing. Students close by in other rows also began to chuckle and smirk.

Francis turned bright red. “I TOLD YOU THAT I ONLY FLIRTED WITH HIM. HE WASN’T EVEN INTERESTED.”

“Of course he wouldn’t be, it’s you.”

I don’t know how it happened, but next thing I knew, I was grabbing the collar of Francis’s shirt and he was grabbing mine. We were still in our seats, so you can only imagine how awkward it was to lean over Gilbert and Antonio.

“LET GO OF ME, YOU FOUL-BREATHED BAGUETTE TIT!”

“YOU’VE ALWAYS SUCKED AT INSULTS!” Francis gasped.

“GUYS…ACK…STOP!” Antonio screamed.

“No, keep going. This is great soap opera material,” Lovino encouraged.

“Fine, get your sexual tension out, just don’t do it over me,” Gilbert whined. There was hardly any room for him to stand up from his seat, so he was stuck as is.

“AHEM!” All five of us froze as Laura cleared her throat and stopped to stand before the entrance of the row we were sitting in.

Immediately, we all straightened and fell silent. Laura was a Belgian exchange student, as well as the only female member of our group. She had transferred late, but had quickly taken to the motherly role of making us all behave.

Laura’s heels clacked as she took slow, deliberate steps behind us.

WHACK!

Lovino yelped and fell forward as Laura whacked him in the back of the head with her textbook. “Delete those videos.”

“Yes, bella,” he groaned, and gave her a sheepish smile.

WHACK!

Antonio was her next victim.

“Stop insulting Arthur in Spanish.”

“Ah…si.”

“SO THAT’S WHY YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS LAUGHING AT ME?!” I exploded.

Laura scowled. Once again, I fell silent. “I’ll get to you in a second,” she warned.

WHACK!

Gilbert was the next to fall.

“That’s for exploiting this fight in order to get on Matthew’s good side. Believe me, you’re not impressing anyone.”

“Mein Gott woman, who put you in charge?”

WHACK!

“…”

WHACK!

Francis yelped. “Get over yourself.”

WHACK!

Spots dusted my vision. “Get over your pride.”

With that done and said, Laura neatly sat beside me and started pulling out her notebook and pencil case from her bag. “Boys are such idiots,” she muttered to herself.

“Agreed,” Natalia, a Belarusian exchange student sitting two rows above us, nodded.

“THANK you!” Laura said and then made an angry hand gesture. “Well? Aren’t you two going to apologize to each other?!”

Like rusty motors, we all spluttered back to life. The pain had yet to register. “Right, erm. Francis, I’m sorry. I should have said goodbye to you before you left.”

“Annnnnnnnnnnnd?” Francis raised a thin brow.

I ground my teeth. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Arthur!” Laura snapped.

“Fine! Fine! I’m sorry for. Oh God, where do I even begin?”

“How about insinuating that I would prostitute myself for a good grade?”

“Sorry.”

“And for calling me a mud-sucking bottom feeder.”

“Sorry.”

“And for calling me a baguette tit.”

“Sorry.”

“Oui, I bet you are.”

“Francis!”

“Desole…”

This proceeded for another two minutes, and Francis reciprocated the same with me. By the time we were done, the lecture should have started already. Fifteen minutes later, the TA came scrambling in to inform us that Prof. Braginski had cancelled this class as well as the next one.

Most people seemed happy about this, but I was a bit concerned. Looks like the rumours were true. Braginski never stayed for long here. Something must have happened to give him cold feet; I just hoped that he was okay. I genuinely liked him, even if he did come off as a bit odd, or rather, off sometimes.

Since it was cancelled, we didn’t have to wait until the end of the slot to hand in our second one-shot. Alfred’s constant presence over the break had distracted me too much to be able to do a well-researched historical piece. I had ended up doing a much lighter children’s piece, intending to go for a darker element for the final take-home exam. After hearing all of Matthew’s stories about his grandmother and her twin-brother, that seemed like the greatest contender on what my choice of topic would be.

“Ah, Mr. Kirkland,” The TA pushed up his spectacles as he accepted my outline. “Mr. Braginski told me about you. We’ll both be looking forward to reading this.”

“Uh, thank you,” I spluttered. “I hope I don’t disappoint.” I better not. I had put a lot of effort and thought into that one-shot. The lack of research had made it a whole lot easier to meet today’s deadline.

“I’m just surprised that you remembered the deadline,” Francis teased as he handed in his own one-shot.

I laughed to be polite, but my eyes told another story. “I may lose things, but I never forget deadlines,” I said through gritted teeth.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

No one bothered to jump at the bangs coming from the back of the classroom. This late into the semester, we were all used to it. The memory of the ghost couldn’t just pick up and leave. It would remain there as long as something meaningful to it kept triggering its presence. So far, I haven’t had any luck in figuring out what it was. I was more interested in the ghost at the library anyway.

Laura and the rest of our group had given up on salvaging peace between us, and had already left the room. We trudged up the aisles silently to get back to our seats, both irritated with each other, but too worn out to argue anymore.

“Tell me if you find out anything more,” Francis told me as he slung his satchel over his shoulder. “I have a test to study for and can’t stay back this time.”

“How did you know I was going to stay back?” I asked.

“You have the caterpillar look, where your eyebrows furrow together. It means you’re thinking,” Francis said nonchalantly.

Infuriated, but not wanting Francis to win, I watched him smugly dance his way down the steps and exit the room. Everyone else had already left, and there wasn’t another class after this one. I was the only person in the room.

I cleared my throat. “Okay, now, don’t be testy with me, but we’ve been trying this all semester. Is there someone–”

“YO ART!”

I nearly jumped two feet into the air when the front doors at the bottom of the auditorium split open with a slam. “There you are! I heard that class ended early, and have been looking all over for you.”

Alfred hurried up the steps to reach me. I winced every time he stubbed his toe, which was a lot mind you. I was starting to wonder if he truly was a puppy given how clumsy, nervous, and simultaneously overexcited he was whenever he first laid eyes on me.

“So?” Alfred grinned and stopped in front of me with a huff. “Whaddaya think? Cool right?”

I repressed a sigh at the fake fangs he was wearing. You wouldn’t pay me enough to admit how handsome he looked in them, especially with the mischievous glint lingering in his eyes. “Oh dear God, you really weren’t kidding when you said that you were going to dress up for Halloween.”

“Hell yeah, man! I love Halloween! You get to dress up, eat a shit ton of candy, and watch horror movies scary enough to make you puke! What’s not to like? So, yay or nay?”

I reached up to cup Alfred’s cheek. “You are such a dork. I’ll still never understand how you’re scared of ghosts, and yet have such an interest in them. I’ve called you this before, and I’ll call you it again, you’re a living oxymoron.”

“Yeah,” Alfred’s cheeks became dusted a light pink. “But I think it’s been established that you love me for both of those things. Now, on a scale of one to ten, how much do these fangs make your boxers wet?”

“Hmmm I don’t know, I’ll have to hear your accent first.”

Alfred cleared his throat and winked. “I vant to suck your lips.”

I cracked the smallest of smiles. “Well, go on then. You’ve successfully captured me under your spell.”

Alfred bent down to kiss me, breathing heavily into my face. He couldn’t stop giggling for whatever reason, and I didn’t know why.

“Is there something the matter?” I asked him.

“Nah, it’s just cute because I can tell when you’re thinking really hard. Your eyebrows furrow together.”

“Is it really that obvious?” I spluttered.

“Yep.”

“Oh. I’ll have to keep that in mind…”

“Come, let’s head over to the library. I heard they’re serving hot chocolate for free now to encourage students to study.”

Oblivious, Alfred grabbed my hand and started dragging me down the aisles. Luckily, I had already grabbed my things beforehand. Once Alfred started, it was hard to stop him, and before I knew it, he was rattling on about who knows what.

“Did ya know that on Halloween day ghosts are allowed to visit the Earth?”

“Yes, I did know that. I read a lot of folklore.”

More like I’ve spoken to ghosts.

“It’s not that they can’t appear on any other days, but they can’t appear in full without it draining their energy. Halloween is the only day where they’re able to communicate with their loved ones.”

“I know.”

“Then again, there are those ghosts stuck on Earth, but they’re transparent. Halloween allows them to manifest like any other regular human.”

“Maybe you should become a ghost. If you’re transparent, maybe I can finally read what’s on your mind,” I mused.

Alfred clenched his jaw and pushed open the doors of the auditorium much harsher than what was necessary.

“Don’t joke about things like that, Artie. It’s not funny.”

Stunned, I followed him out of the room and didn’t say anything more.

…

October 29th

….

I ducked behind a bookshelf, only to spit out and splutter on the string of paper-cut lanterns hanging from it. The library had very marginally decided to dress up for Halloween, not that anyone would even bother to come to the movie night being held here on the night of. It fell on a Sunday, which inevitably meant parties in University-land.

Matthew was holding an extra-long study group today since it was still technically mid-term season. He was gracious enough to not alert the others of my presence as I slipped past them to head up to the fifth floor. I didn’t like using the elevator, as small spaces made me feel claustrophobic. Hanging around with my classmates for a long period of time was another thing that made me claustrophobic; the library was my one time away from them.

I wanted to get a look at the record sections again, without Alfred this time. I couldn’t take one step into that area without him whining about being spooked or begging for us to leave. I had come here just a little earlier than usual, leaving my last class a bit early as it was only review, so I wouldn’t have to worry about Alfred. He knew what time to expect me, and right now wasn’t it.

The records section was a bit dustier than usual, so I had brought a duster along with me too. As I pawed through different books, looking for something to intrigue my interest and possibly inspire the muse for my upcoming final, I remembered something. Matthew’s grandmother.

I then began searching for any Amelia’s in the records, also keeping a look-out for the surname Williams. My search didn’t last very long, as a large thump resonated to my left. Carefully, I put down my duster and straightened my posture.

Perhaps the ghost was finally brave enough to make itself seen to me.

Calmly, I cleared my throat and opened my mouth to speak. All air was stolen from my lungs when Alfred sprang on me from behind. Strong arms wrapped around my waist and lifted me in the air.

“Artie!” Alfred cheered. “You’re here early. Why didn’t you come see me?!”

After several sloppy kisses on Alfred’s part, and many angry elbows on my part, Alfred finally put me down.

Alfred grinned. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you were avoiding me. And is that a duster you’re using as a weapon?”

I lowered my duster and scowled. “You know how much I hate surprises, and yet that still doesn’t stop you from popping up on me when I least expect it. How about greeting me like a normal person?”

“No can do, I’m far from normal, Art. Wouldn’t want you to get bored with me. So, where to now? It’s a bit cold to sit on the roof, so how about the lounge?”

“I wanted to look at some records,” I replied, dryly. “That’s why I came here early.”

Alfred waved a gloved hand at me. “Nah! Save the spookiness for Halloween. Let’s do something!”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, why don’t we go for a walk outside?”

“You just said that it’s cold,” I deadpanned.

“Yeah, but we can get some warm drinks, how does that sound? I heard that James Creek is beautiful at this time of year.”

“Oh yes, truly. What with all the empty beer cans and used condoms.”

“There’s a place farther up that no one knows about. I’d like to take you there.”

I sighed. The old me would have freaked out at the thought of abandoning my studies and falling behind schedule. My priorities had clearly changed with Alfred in my life now. “Why not?”

Alfred’s cheeks split into a wide smile once more. Wordlessly, I let him tow me out of the library. Although, this time we used the back exit, the one that Alfred typically used to get into the library. He still wasn’t ready to meet anyone just yet, and I suppose I just had to respect that.

…

Alfred held my hand with his right, and our shared extra large hot chocolate with his left. Many students were still bustling about to get to their late afternoon classes, so I was a bit hesitant to hold hands with him so openly like this. I knew that I shouldn’t have to feel this way, but old thoughts are hard to break, especially when you’ve been scrutinized for such a natural, trivial thing for most of your life.

Alfred squeezed my hand in reassurance, but still looked a bit nervous himself as people gave us odd, uncomprehending stares.

“It’s all right, Art,” Alfred said stiffly. “I’m here. Nothing will happen as long as I’m with you.”

“I just don’t get it,” I whispered. “Why are they staring at us as if we’ve grown second heads? We’re holding hands. What’s so bad about that?”

“Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, sweetheart,” Alfred said.

“Let’s just get out of here.”

The rest of our walk was for the most part silent. Alfred hogged the hot chocolate, but I honestly wouldn’t have expected anything different from him. He was right, though. The part of James Creek that he took me to was far beyond where I had buried late Davie’s photo. We had walked right through a forest until coming upon a clearing where the creek split off into smaller streams. There were several rusty old benches and cracked pavement that hugged the outskirts of the grass bed just by the water. It looked like the kind of place you would go to feed ducks or geese and just enjoy the serenity of the surrounding nature.

“Alfred, how did you know about this place?” I said in awe.

“I’m guessing that you like it, huh?”

I ignored the smugness in his tone. “Of course. I mean, how couldn’t I? You should have taken me here before. It’s a shame that more people don’t know about this place. It seems like a wonderful place to distress and not think about anything.”

“I thought you’d say something like that,” Alfred chuckled, and then guided me to sit on a bench that faced the lazy current of water trickling by. “I came here in the summer quite a bit, ya know, before I found the library. I didn’t want anyone to find out about this place and wanted to save it for special moments like this…with a special someone to share it with.”

“You’re being overly sentimental today, not that I’m complaining. Why is that?”

Alfred whistled. “I dunno, kinda just felt like it.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I don’t really have one then.”

“…”

“…”

“What is this place anyways?” I asked.

“It was…I think it was an old courtyard before they demolished several buildings and moved some parts of the campus.”

“Oh. Did you come here to get inspiration for your writing?”

“Yeah, but I told you. The most inspiration I get is from you,” Alfred said, and then nudged forward to bump noses with mine. “I didn’t need to come here anymore, or even go to the roof to be frank. As long as I’m with you, my existence is made ten times better.”

“Oh hush, now you’re just being sappy,” I chided. I cupped his face and kissed him, rough chapped lips meeting each other in an unrushed tempo. Heat from his breath collided with mine, the taste of chocolate on our tongues making me want more of him. Slowly, I shifted closer and closer, greedily moving his hands onto my waist.

“Art…I…” Alfred panted, hair mussed from my own doing. “I want…”

“What do you want?” I cooed, and pulled away from him. His eyes were the closest clue of understanding what was going on. Skewed spectacles aside, there was a desire in his eyes that only fuelled that of my own. There was also something childish about them, a helplessness and powerlessness that I still had no hope of comprehending.

I wanted to do something more than kissing, but I also didn’t want to push him. This would often happen, where we would start making out and he would show signs of wanting to take things farther, but never making the first move. I knew how jittery he was and wanted him to be the one to make it.

“I want you…”

“You want me how?” I asked patiently.

“Closer.” There was a certain whine and need in his voice that made my heart leap.

“Like this?” I resumed sucking on his bottom lip.

“No. I want…more.” Alfred breathed deeply and ran his hand through my hair, holding the back of my head as if it were a lifeboat tethering him in place.

“How much is more to you?” I couldn’t be too sure.

BUZZ! BUZZ!

We both jumped apart from each other when my phone rang. My face warmed, and unable to recover from the moment as it had long been broken, I settled at Alfred’s side again.

“Who is it?” Alfred asked me as I begrudgingly checked my phone.

“Alistair, my older brother.”

“I know who your older brother is,” Alfred said, sternly. “He’s probably just worried about you. What did I tell ya about calling him more? It’s the decent thing to do, Art.”

“I will…” Alfred glared at me. “No, I do. I do. Promise. I make sure to call him at least once a week.”

“Good. Does he…know about me?”

“He knows that I’ve found someone. I didn’t know if you wanted me to tell him more than that though, so I haven’t,” I answered.

“Oh, well, maybe you should wait,” Alfred flushed a bright pink. “I…uh…”

“Shhh,” I placed a finger over his lips. “It’s fine, I understand. Let’s just get back to where we left off, shall we?”

“Art, I can’t deal with this teasing. It’s getting to be too much. I want you, so badly, but I just…”

“You just what?”

“I’m scared of hurting you.”

“You’re not going to.”

“You don’t know that,” Alfred said abruptly.

“Well, you haven’t so far,” I rationalized.

“There’s still time for that.”

Warmth pricked at my eyes. I knew I was being selfish, but I too wanted more from him, of him. “How come you don’t ever want to come home with me?”

Why can’t I go to your place either?

“You know why, Art,” Alfred whispered. “I’m shy.”

“What if I got my roommate to stay away from the apartment for several hours? What would you say to that?”

“…”

“That’s not exactly a no I’m hearing.”

Alfred bit his lip. “I guess I would be fine with that.”

“You guess, or you are?”

“I am.”

I turned to Alfred to look at him, and I mean really look at him. He was struggling no doubt, but there was also a stubborn expression on his face that indicated that he was willing to try this out for me.

Something that Alistair told me years ago suddenly came to mind, a sense of nostalgia that felt uncomfortably appropriate to the moment.

“The happiest seeming people are the ones that suffer most.”

“Are you sure?” I inquired, just to be certain.

“I am,” he repeated, stiffly.

“I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. If anything, I’d only like you to spend time at my apartment,” I told him.

“If you want me to, and no one else is there, then I will. No problem. It’s about time that I be a good boyfriend and step out of my comfort zone.” It very much seemed like a problem to Alfred, but he avoided eye contact, cutting off any room for debate.

“You were already an excellent boyfriend in the first place,” I reassured. “I love you for you, quirks and all. We all have our flaws, and that’s perfectly acceptable.”

“Thank you, Arthur.”

“For what, love?”

Alfred gestured impatiently. “You know what.”

I didn’t, but chose not to say anything more. Alfred was often vague, and while I couldn’t understand all of him, I understood what was most important. I was better at reading his emotions than I was at his thoughts. While nervous, there was a submerged excitement in the way he held me close under his arm or how he impatiently tapped his feet as I called Lovino to ask for a favour.

“Lovino?”

“Arthur?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Couldn’t you have just texted me instead of calling like an old geezer?”

“This is something I need to make a call for, so you’ll just have to deal with it,” I rolled my eyes. “Look, I need to ask you a favor.”

“And?” I could just imagine Lovino rolling his hand in a bored manner.

“You’re at the study group, right?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Oh, good. Can you step out for a short moment? I don’t want them to overhear anything.”

“Oi, this better be good.” The shuffling in the background indicated that Lovino had gotten up anyway. He liked to complain a lot, but still did things for people regardless, often without asking for anything in return.

“Are you out of hearing range?”

“Che, have a little faith in me, you bastard.”

I smiled. “Sorry. So, can you make sure that Francis doesn’t come home tonight?”

“Why?”

“I want to have someone over… If you could just get Francis to hook up with someone, or keep him away from the apartment, it’d be greatly appreciated.”

“Fine. Done. Although, getting Francis to hook up with someone is a feat in itself. He’s already slept with the entire school. Uh…yeah. Have fun or what the fuck ever. I have to go, the others are already getting suspicious.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much! I’ll give you all my study notes!”

“You do that anyway,” Lovino smirked. “It’s fine. It’s not problem at all. Just be safe, all right?”

“Yes, I will.”

After saying a quick goodbye, I hung up the phone.

“We’re good?” Alfred asked me.

I teasingly grabbed at his chin. It was hard to contain how happy I was. “We’re more than good. Let’s go.”

Our roles reversed on the way back. Instead of me being quiet and having Alfred lead us forward and reassure me, I did all this. Still, the shy smile poking at Alfred’s lips told me everything that I needed to know. He was just as excited as I was.

…

I couldn’t believe it, but I had actually gotten Alfred into my apartment again. Although, it did eerily feel like I had just captured a wild animal, considering how much he was shaking. I had given him a mug of tea, and he was clutching onto it for dear life, ignoring the fact that he was burning his palms. He sat stiffly in the chair I had seated him at the kitchen table, shoulders hunched and lips pressed firmly together.

I sighed and sat across from him with my own cup of tea. “You’re stiff,” I informed him. “Relax. I told you, I just want to spend time with you.”

“I’m not stiff, just anxious.”

“Would you like something to eat?” I asked.

“Not hungry, too nervous.” He had stooped down to the communication level of a toddler.

“Alfred, why are you nervous now? Francis isn’t going to come back anytime soon. Lovino took them all to a club.”

“It’s not that!” Alfred spluttered. “It’s you.”

“Me?” I raised my eyebrows. “What did I do?!”

“Stop. Please stop.”

“Stop what?!” I snapped.

“Stop pouting. It’s tempting me.”

“That’s only encouraging me more, I hope you know that,” I teased. “What a lovely thing it would be to have you all over me.”

“Art, I’m not kidding.”

I rolled my eyes, and stopped teasing. “Alfred, love. Please, just try to relax. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want to do. Now, if you’re not hungry, then I’m going to go eat something.”

I set out to making two bagels, knowing that if I pretended it was mine, Alfred would want some of it.

“Shucks, man. You’re just so pretty,” Alfred sighed. “If I had a whole afternoon of just kissing you, I’d take it in a heartbeat.”

I turned to peck Alfred on the cheek. “That would be quite nice, wouldn’t it be?”

Alfred closed his eyes in content. “Hmmm.” He was still holding back, now gripping onto the sides of his chair. I needed to make him more comfortable, to make him laugh somehow.

“Tell me, do I butter your bagel?” I asked him.

“I told you I didn’t want a bagel,” Alfred blushed.

“I’m speaking metaphorically here.”

“Oh. Well, what is that supposed to mean?”

I scoffed. “Right, I forgot how blunt and obvious I have to be with you. Do I make you hot and bothered?”

“ARTHUR!” Alfred exploded, accidentally knocking over his tea mug. Luckily, he had already finished drinking it.

“What?” I feigned innocence and blinked at him owlishly.

“You can’t…you can’t just ask me those sort of things…”

“Sorry. I forgot that only you’re allowed to use innuendos.”

“That was one time!” Alfred whined.

“You told me that if we were naked, you’d warm me up faster. I hardly see how it’s fair that you can use them, and I can’t,” I huffed and crossed my arms. Meanwhile, Alfred pouted to himself and mumbled something incoherent to himself.

The room fell silent, save for the creaks of Alfred’s chair as he tipped it back and forth. I turned my back to him and waited for the bagel to pop out of the toaster. It never got to that point.

Warmth spread across my back when Alfred wrapped his arms around my waist, and placed his chin on my shoulder. “You’re right, you do butter my bagel,” he purred.

I turned to meet him half way. His lips were hungry to meet mine. I leaned against him, and abruptly tensed when I felt something hard.

“Alfred?” I questioned.

“Arthur,” Alfred moaned. The inhibition withholding the gate of his true desires and emotions had just been broken; there was no going back now. Alfred was initiating this on his own, he wanted me, and I wanted him.

I gave a good start when Alfred spun me around and assertively placed me against the counter, grinding against my waist. I moaned in reciprocation and ignored the small pain in my back. The friction felt too good. I didn’t care.

“I want you, Arthur,” Alfred sighed.

“I was already yours to begin with,” I said, and wrapped my arms around his neck as he scooped me up into his arms.

“Where?” He huffed, too aroused to bother to form a proper sentence. I pointed to my right, where my bedroom was. As Alfred stumbled forward, cradling me more delicately than ever before, I worked on taking off his jacket, greedily placing my hand underneath his turtleneck. He winced at the coldness of my skin, but was quick to moan when I pressed and rubbed at the sensitive skin, allowing my fingers to caress the firm marble of his chest.

BRING!

We both paused to laugh at the sound of the bagel popping out of the toaster, and once more when Alfred just about kicked open my bedroom door. “Easy,” I growled. “If there’s a hole in that wall, you’re paying for it.”

“It’d be a hole well spent then,” Alfred teased.

“Again with the innuendos, even as we’re about to have sex.”

Alfred tensed for a brief second before impulsively going after my lips again, sucking with desperate vigor. Before I knew it, I was lying on my bed with Alfred hovering over me, straddling me.

“Wait,” I panted. “Alfred. Alfred!” I tapped at his back. He was really getting into this.

Alfred pulled up, spectacles nearly drooping off his nose.

I laughed, and pulled off the spectacles, putting them to the side. I then reached out and cupped his cheeks, gazing up at a face that looked even younger. Wide cerulean eyes met my own; pink swollen lips; teeth white enough to blind; and hair softer than the feathers of an angel. This man was mine and mine alone.

“Are you comfortable?” I asked him after setting his spectacles down.

Alfred’s eyes darkened. “Yes. I always am with you.”

“Good, because I am too. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I opened my drawer, pulled out a condom, and handed it to Alfred. He shakily accepted it. Knowing him, he had probably gotten too overwhelmed and had forgotten about the existence of them.

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

“N-No!”

“Dumbass.”

Alfred smirked. “And I’m the one using innuendos?”

Alfred ducked to avoid my slap. “Kidding, kidding. Now, c’mere.”

I tilted my chin back as Alfred began kissing my cheeks, then my jaw, my chest, my stomach, and all the way down to my thighs. He was slow, but I was enjoying every minute of it. Soon, I was enjoying him, crying out his name, wanting him closer and closer. He was like a burning furnace, both in the temperature of his skin and the passion he exploded with. I had never felt so whole, so completed, so bloody well satisfied in my life.

I loved him.

I loved him more than I did myself.

…

Wrapped under the blankets, I wound an arm around Alfred’s waist. We were both sticky and our breathing was still heavy. Alfred was looking up at the ceiling blankly. When he didn’t say anything for a while, that’s when I became concerned.

“Al, love. What’s wrong?”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Alfred said flatly.

My chest erupted with pain, as if a knife had just been lodged into it. Tears sprang into my eyes, but they were quick to dissolve when Alfred spoke again.

“I always end up leaving people, Art. I’d hate to hurt you.”

“Maybe things will be different this time. Pessimism isn’t going to get you anywhere. Hell, you’re the one who helped me overcome some of my own pessimism and trust issues. We’re both broken, imperfect people with gods knows how many issues, but can’t we find solace in that? I’m no longer lonely when I’m with you. I don’t want to think about anything other than the fact that you’re here with me now,” I whispered, and began tracing circles up and down his jawline.

“The past isn’t something worth ruminating over. Live in the present. Live for yourself, and for what you have. You have me, and I, you.”

“You don’t get it!” Alfred cracked. “I always fuck things up!”

“You haven’t fucked things up with me,” I reminded him.

“Yet. I haven’t fucked up things with you yet,” he corrected.

Upset, I removed his arm and turned my back to him.

“Arthur,” Alfred said, worry in his voice. “Arthur, what’s wrong?”

“I feel like I’ve just taken advantage of you,” I replied, horrified. I felt nauseated. The room span, and my stomach curled.

“No! No! NO! You didn’t! Arthur? Sweetheart, please. Listen to me. You didn’t take advantage of me. If anything, I took advantage of you.”

I shivered when he wrapped his arms around me.

“You can’t take advantage of someone if they wanted it,” I argued. “I really wanted it, and I’ll want it again, because God if that didn’t ever feel amazing.”

Alfred sighed. “I wanted it too. Still do.”

“Then what’s the argument for? You saved me, Alfred. You saved me from the terrors of a new start in an unfamiliar place. You’re my familiarity, my home…my saviour.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Alfred admitted, although it didn’t quite reach his tone. “Actually, I’m your hero, remember?”

“Right, I forgot. You really love your super heroes like a total fucking dork.”

“Want to fuck that dork again?”

“Mhmmm.”

“Just gimme some time to ya know…”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’m well aware. I also want to let you know that you’re in no means required to stay the night. I won’t pressure you, because making you uncomfortable is the last thing I want to do. Feel free to leave whenever you want.”

Alfred gave me a knowing look. “Thanks, buddy. I’m sorry.”

I turned and tucked my head under his chin. It was a way of hiding my disappointment, while also showing my support. “Don’t be.”

…

Oct. 30th

…

It was an early Saturday morning, and I intended to get a good chunk of work done at the library. Finals were in just over a month, and honestly, it was about time that I started working on that last one-shot for Prof. Braginski. I knew for a fact that Alfred wouldn’t be here this early (as he was sleeping in from leaving my apartment so late), so first thing I wanted to do before I lost the chance was look through the records section – holistically, without being interrupted.

I found Matthew slumped over at the front desk, a mug of coffee cupped in his pale, frail hands. He sipped from it slowly, humming in content. He had a guilty pleasure of pouring maple-syrup into warm drinks.

“Good morning,” Matthew greeted. “You’re here early. Set up isn’t until 11:00 AM. Unless, you came here to study?”

“Morning,” I mumbled, and took a swig from the metal cannister that held my own morning tea. “You’re exactly right. Figured I’d get some work done, especially since how loud things are going to be all over campus tomorrow night.”

“Eh? Parties, smarties. All you need is a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and you’re golden,” Matthew smiled.

“True,” I agreed. “Hey, don’t you think you’re drinking too much coffee for your age? It’s not good for you.”

“Says the person who drinks caffeinated tea at all hours of the day and hardly gets a wink of sleep,” Matthew retorted.

“Touché,” I raised one hand in surrender.

“So, have you found out anything new about that ghost?” Matthew asked.

“Not really, no. I honestly haven’t had much time either way. Sometimes they’re just like that. They’ll come out when they’re ready, as well as when you least expect it. I’ll make sure to let you know if I do find out anything more.”

“Good, I’m holding you to that promise.” Matthew sighed and flushed slightly when his phone buzzed with a new text. “Mon dieu, this guy really doesn’t know when to quit it. Why is it that I’m the first person he thinks of when he wakes up?”

“Who, Gilbert?” I asked.

“Mmmm,” Matthew nodded.

I furrowed my brows. “Be careful around him. I know you don’t like me babying you, but he’s 18, you’re 16. And no, don’t play it off as if you don’t have some interest in him, you wear your emotions on your face. I’ve been around you long enough, Matthew, so don’t bother trying to cover it up.”

“I will be careful,” Matthew huffed, albeit softly. “I’ll have you know that as much as you think that he’s a player, you couldn’t be anymore wrong. He has a promise ring and intends to save his virginity for the person he marries. He likes me for me, I’m just unsure how I feel about that. I haven’t ever been the center of someone’s world before. It’s quite strange.”

“My advice would be not to rush things or expect a lot, unless shown otherwise. You put in what you get, and if he puts in a lot, then I encourage that you do too if you really care about him. I wouldn’t be surprised if I were you. Anyone would be lucky to have a sweet and thoughtful person like you as their partner.”

“Thanks, Arthur. That’s actually really good advice.”

“Anytime,” I said, and turned on my heels. “Well, I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

“You’re heading to the records section?”

“Indeed, I am.”

“Oh! Well enjoy! Perhaps that’s not the best choice of words given how dark this school’s history is, but, um, yeah…” Matthew trailed off, at a loss of words to say. “I think I told you this before, but if you need anymore information, my grandma wouldn’t mind if you gave her a call. She loves talking about what she does. Maybe, your story could help spread the word about a sensitive issue like this.”

I blinked in shock. Matthew’s grandmother was a famous motivational speaker, so if she endorsed my story, it would give me a lot of exposure and credit – something that a young writer like myself desperately needed. “That would be amazing, actually. Thank you.”

“It’s no problem at all! Actually, I’m supposed to call her later this afternoon. Her and Mama always like to catch up on Saturdays. You can speak to her then!”

I nodded and waved over my shoulder. “Sounds good.”

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Everything was just so…perfect. With school, with my brother, with Alfred, with my friends. I felt like a complete idiot for the obvious bounce in my step, but perhaps being an idiot wasn’t so bad after all if I had another idiot to complete me.

This happiness was quick to change upon the sudden change of atmosphere.

When I got up to the records section, something felt…off. The air was cooler than usual, and everything was incredibly still. The ringing in my ears only added to this superstition; it only happened when a spirit or rather spirits were nearby. Was this it, was the ghost finally trying to reach out to me?

I pretended not to acknowledge these signs, wanting whatever was causing all this to come out on their own, when they were ready. I flipped through the records, looking through the W’s for Williams.

“Williams, Williams, where are you?” I muttered to myself.

“You’re wrong.”

A voice so soft that I could have imagined it whispered.

THUMP!

A book from the J-L section fell onto the ground, the thud causing me to flinch slightly.

Slowly, I sauntered over to it and bent down. The page was left open, revealing a scan of an old newspaper article. “Heartbreaking death of beloved athlete…”

A sharp intake of breath.

My eyes immediately skipped to the name and then the picture. Alfred F. Jones, 19, December 9th, 1961. Suicide, reasons unknown.

The happiest seeming people are the ones that suffer most.

I froze, and blinked uncomprehendingly. With shaking hands, I flipped to the next few pages, all of which included images of the very same man I’ve fallen in love with. The same hair, the same spectacles, the same stupid smile, the same bomber jacket. Everything, everything was the same.

And then, a picture of him and his sister, Amelia. Amelia Jones. Jones was her maiden name. I had been looking in the wrong place all along. I had…I hadn’t been looking. The ghost had been right in front of me this whole time.

I didn’t want to understand, but I did. He never wanted to be seen because only I could see him. All the mysteries, aversions, and quirks were lies. He wasn’t being weird. He was just trying to avoid the truth.

Reality had never been so cruel, crashing down onto me so fast that all that was left was the acrid smell of burning tires; dreams; hopes. I felt like I was floating, tethered by the black and white images haunting my eyes. Tears slipped down my cheeks, wracking sobs building up in my chest.

“No. NO! NO! NO!”

I slammed the book shut, and threw it against a nearby wall. “NO!”

I had never felt so betrayed, hurt, and confused. I looked up at the ceiling and let out a guttural, choked gasp. “WHY?!” I asked to no one in particular. I didn’t believe in god anymore. “Why does something bad always have to happen to me? WHY?!”

I needed to get out of here. Just standing in the library made me sick knowing that he had committed suicide just thirty feet away from me, nearly sixty years ago.

Matthew leapt up from his seat as I stormed past the front desk. “Arthur? Arthur?! What’s wrong? What happened?!”

“Jones was her maiden name, can you fucking believe it?” I shrieked. I was going completely mad. Of course he knew that. But I sure hadn’t.

“Huh?”

“Alfred, your great uncle Alfred. He was the relative of yours who committed suicide here!”

“Did I not tell you that?”

“YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!” I yelled. Matthew flinched from the accusatory tone, but knew better not to say anything.

“Arthur, I don’t understand…Oh. The ghost. Oh my god. Is that the secret friend you were speaking to? What did he look–”

“I…I need to get out of here. I can’t…I…” I took in several heaving breaths and could hardly see through the tears. I was having a full-on panic attack.

“ARTHUR! ARTHUR WAIT, PLEASE!” Matthew cried out after me, but I had already left the library. I slammed open the front doors and hurried down the cement steps, only to bend over the railing and vomit into the bushes below.

Alfred Jones, the man I was painfully in love with, had committed suicide here at this school.

The one person who had ever made me feel remotely alive was dead.

To be continued…

(A/N: I’m sorry.)